Wednesday, December 21, 2005

What's meant to be...

Regardless of what you believe, everyone has to have something to hold on to. A hope, a dream, a person, a place... something. Many of us are lucky enough to have a lot of these somethings to hold on to throughout our lives. No one should ever be without any... I think you feel like you're all alone sometimes, even when that's not really true, because for some people there is a point where you just decide you are on some other level, for better or for worse, and for a time there is nothing that can be done about it. I like to think that I affect the world in some way, affect the people I call my friends, and even those who I don't but still deal with from day to day. Making a difference shouldn't have to matter so much to any single person, but everyone likes to feel like they're needed... like they're wanted, once in awhile. I've never completely lost a friend. I know I've come close... closer than I'd ever have liked to, but something always allows me (or them) to hold on. It's almost like the people you meet, the ones you bother to associate with past your first meeting, those people you have some kind of connection with... you can feel it. It doesn't matter how you met them or how long you've know them, it's about what you've shared and how you relate to them... it's about what they mean to you and what you mean to them. It's those people you want to be important to... those people you want to make a difference for in their lives for the better. If you're like me you let almost your whole life ride on that line whether you should or not. I trust my friends deeply and try to always ask little in return. Unfortunately some people will take this for granted if you let them. You ask for little back and that's exactly what you get. But in my case I'd say I've been pretty lucky. Sure I've been betrayed, been hurt, but I've grown every time and learned a little more. Most people I found my way back to and this is where I'm left to wonder what I believe anymore.

Do I believe in meant to be? For awhile now I have usually leaned towards yes... in a way. I believe that people have and make connections in their lives, people bond to each other out of a number of reasons: attraction, mentality, location, convenience, etc.... just to name a few.... but I also believe there are those special connections you make with certain people, usually unplanned and unknown until they've happened. It is those connections that I find to be the most important and the ones that you should hold on to at all costs. Just because you feel it doesn't mean the other person does, at least not to the same degree, but sometimes in life that doesn't matter either. It sounds like I'm talking about feelings... the matters of liking and love... well I am only partly. I'm actually talking about something on a different level, at least I think I am, and pardon this rant at such a time... with Vday on its way and me in a very confusing place right now. I have questioned so much in past months and rethought EVERYTHING in the last few days. I've come to some conclusions but not all. There is still much left up in the air, many things still going unsaid. Tonight something changed again just like something changed not too long ago. I keep changing too. I think I know what I want, who I want, but I don't really know anymore if I'm headed in the right place or not. Sure I always think I am at the time, but it's only after the dust from the road traveled clears that you can really see for sure or not. I'm typing with my eyes closed right now. I guess that says something about me... (that I'm on my computer too much and for too many years?) Wow I don't even have to look for special characters. What a talent... but back to my point and yes that was half relevant. Loving someone... which I never thought I'd think myself such an authority on, it not about lust, it's not even about being lonely, though those are both aspects of it I suppose. It's about a lot of things, namely trust, want, and connection. Yes back to this connection stuff I have already been talking about. It's like typing with your eyes closed. You aren't quite sure you are hitting all the right keys, but you've been invested in it for awhile, so you think you have a pretty good chance of being close. I open my eyes. I'm still not looking at the keyboard, but I have assurance somewhat that what I am typing is right because I can see it with my own eyes. But before while I couldn't be as certain about it, I was still pretty confident because I had the FEELING that it was right. Does all that make any sense? I still hit keys incorrectly sometimes, looking or not, there will always be mistakes and things can't always work out the way you expect them to. But you decide what you believe. You know how you feel. And you have to trust yourself and where your heart leads you. This isn't just about another person, this is about life. And maybe I should try letting up on the philosophy at 3 in the morning but sometimes I just can't avoid it. Yes, I believe in meant to be, but I also believe that fate guides everybody just a little. It's what gives you that "six sense" sometimes about something, it's what makes you take that extra moment to look at something, it's what makes you late so you run into that person you would have never met otherwise... it's the only thing I've ever really had faith in completely... that fate will take a certain amount of control over your life and it will guide you to some degree, whether you like it or not, and you will be totally effected by chance and there is just nothing you can do about it. You go with what happens day to day as long as you can make it because really you have no other choice, at least very little option. And what I was saying before about connections with other people and wanting to be important in certain peoples lives... well you have to accept a certain give and take. But what I've realized in this past year of my life is this... you can't hold on to something forever anymore than you can let it go completely. There will always be a part of you that wants and needs to hold on... to that something or someone. You won't always get what you put out in return and sometimes it might come back at you in a way you don't expect... that is just part of life. You are going to know a lot of people in life's course, you might as well accept it now that they won't all be to your "standards" and only a few will truly connect with you because only a few probably truly can. Hold on to this if you are lucky enough to find it. Believe me it's not always easy... but in the end, you have to believe it's worth it. That is where faith comes in again. Because even if things aren't always going your way, even if you think you are losing the ones you love... not the ones you want for other reasons, I mean the ones you want happiness for, the ones you sacrifice for, the ones you give up for, those are the ones you truly love... and it's not about liking them and all that stuff... it's about something on a totally different level, not of just friendship or relationship or anything else that's single... it's something else all together and something I think very few people ever truly understand. And hey, I'm not trying to claim that I really understand it all either... but I want to believe in it. I want to believe there is someone out there for everyone, that two people can share a connection, and that someone lost is never lost forever, just finding their own way back. I have to close my eyes again and remind myself that I cannot be a complete fool for all the trust I give. There must be a reason behind it and a way for it to all work out in the end. Maybe a smile is enough sometimes, maybe that is all it takes to forgive a misunderstanding or a lack of courage, maybe it is all it takes to tell you deep down that you don't exist for nothing and that you are wanted too.... it's just the world isn't ready for that time yet... and so maybe you aren't either. And once you accept that, maybe it's then that you really are able to start moving ahead to exactly where and with exactly who you are meant to be with afterall...

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